i can’t, i’m coming down with something

If I was to sum up my feelings about my life, I’d have to quote a Silverchair song: “I don’t want to be lonely, I just want to be alone.” The time off after quitting my job was great. I had the opportunity to catch up on reality tv, wash my hair without having to plan it, and most importantly, I lived out my reclusive fantasy. The only problems I encountered was the opinions of everyone around me.

So many doctors, friends and family tell me that it’s not ok to want to live a quiet and “unhealthy” life in which I close myself off from the world to live in peace. I lie sometimes to agree and to tell them that I want to be normal. I guess I do to an extent but it’s more out of curiosity. Like, what must it be like to be brave enough, and have the inclination (or guilt), to go to the gym by yourself? I think about doing that sometimes and I know that I would never be able to make myself. Once I got there, what would I do? That’s when the shaking would start and the panic would creep up my neck and force me to retreat to safety. The bigger part of me though, would love a life alone. Not without human contact, people could come and visit me in my huge house, (because the fantasy always allows me to be rich enough to never have to work again or have to worry about finances), and I would be happy having everything I need around me. The thought alone makes me feel safe and calm but I know it’s never going to come to fruition.

I’m at work again, different job description this time which I am very thankful for. It’s been a good couple of weeks which has surprised me. During my time off I was diagnosed with Graves Disease, and after a month of medication, have noticed a few good days in the sea of bad ones. The day before I started this job I was so tired that I couldn’t stand for 5 minutes without having to sit down and I cried in frustration at not being able to fix myself.

I rewatched Parenthood recently (a great movie) and one of the kids in the movie has some emotional problems, he overreacts and cries and acts like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I’ve seen the movie at least 50 times and I have never understood what was going on with him until now. It finally became clear, I am this kid. I freak out over nothing, I cry uncontrollably and the main problem is that I don’t know why. I can’t stop it when it’s happening, I am so overwhelmed. I am powerless and I am scared that one day, I will be lost to those emotions and never get myself back.

Today is a bad day. It’s one of the worst. I feel as though I’m back at that previous job, sitting at my desk having a panic attack over the phone ringing. The noise is back. I can have these completely normal conversations and that’s pretty impressive considering the screaming that’s going on in my head. Screaming non stop that I don’t belong here, that I don’t want to be here, that I don’t want to be ANYWHERE. Are they screaming too? Is there anyone looking at me that can see what’s happening to me? Can they see me breaking apart?

Sometimes I wish that instead of the fake conversations and trying to appear relaxed, I’ll scream out loud. I will scream as loud as I do in my head and I will see their panicked faces and feel relieved that for once, someone in front of me feels a stab of the fear I feel every moment of every day. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’m a nice person but hey, I guess we all go a little mad sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a panic attack at work yesterday

This isn’t unusual for me in general except that I went to see a doctor to try and escape as fast as possible. Walking to the doctor’s was awful. I work close to the city so unfortunately my boss wanted me to go somewhere nearby (I’d told them I was having a bad reaction to medication). So the drive was one thing, at least I was by myself in an enclosed space but I can’t deal with that many people around me. When I got out I had to go to a ticket machine and then walk back to display it in my car, all the while taking so many deep breaths and sweating from how nervous I was. The doctor, who I’d never met before, prescribed me anxiety medication after I burst into tears while telling her about the panic attack I’d had that morning. So after coming home, (the doc had given me time off work… me actually telling work that was really terrifying) my boyfriend and I discussed the medication and I did some online reading and came to the decision that it’s not for me… just yet. I think I need to sit on this decision for a little while and see how I feel about it. I do have bad anxiety, and I know this medication has helped so many people but I find the idea too overwhelming to act on it right now. I’ve just started seeing a psychologist and I’m finding it so helpful to be able to discuss these issues as openly as we are and it’s making me feel… normal? Is that an offensive word? I personally think it’s more normal to have these issues than to not have them. I’ve recently tried to be open about my struggles to different people and I’ve found that almost every single one of them has/ is seeing a psychologist, or admits to being anxious, depressed and neurotic. So I’m going to start calling us the cool kind of normal from now on, cause that’s exactly what we are.