i can’t, i’m coming down with something

If I was to sum up my feelings about my life, I’d have to quote a Silverchair song: “I don’t want to be lonely, I just want to be alone.” The time off after quitting my job was great. I had the opportunity to catch up on reality tv, wash my hair without having to plan it, and most importantly, I lived out my reclusive fantasy. The only problems I encountered was the opinions of everyone around me.

So many doctors, friends and family tell me that it’s not ok to want to live a quiet and “unhealthy” life in which I close myself off from the world to live in peace. I lie sometimes to agree and to tell them that I want to be normal. I guess I do to an extent but it’s more out of curiosity. Like, what must it be like to be brave enough, and have the inclination (or guilt), to go to the gym by yourself? I think about doing that sometimes and I know that I would never be able to make myself. Once I got there, what would I do? That’s when the shaking would start and the panic would creep up my neck and force me to retreat to safety. The bigger part of me though, would love a life alone. Not without human contact, people could come and visit me in my huge house, (because the fantasy always allows me to be rich enough to never have to work again or have to worry about finances), and I would be happy having everything I need around me. The thought alone makes me feel safe and calm but I know it’s never going to come to fruition.

I’m at work again, different job description this time which I am very thankful for. It’s been a good couple of weeks which has surprised me. During my time off I was diagnosed with Graves Disease, and after a month of medication, have noticed a few good days in the sea of bad ones. The day before I started this job I was so tired that I couldn’t stand for 5 minutes without having to sit down and I cried in frustration at not being able to fix myself.

I rewatched Parenthood recently (a great movie) and one of the kids in the movie has some emotional problems, he overreacts and cries and acts like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I’ve seen the movie at least 50 times and I have never understood what was going on with him until now. It finally became clear, I am this kid. I freak out over nothing, I cry uncontrollably and the main problem is that I don’t know why. I can’t stop it when it’s happening, I am so overwhelmed. I am powerless and I am scared that one day, I will be lost to those emotions and never get myself back.

Today is a bad day. It’s one of the worst. I feel as though I’m back at that previous job, sitting at my desk having a panic attack over the phone ringing. The noise is back. I can have these completely normal conversations and that’s pretty impressive considering the screaming that’s going on in my head. Screaming non stop that I don’t belong here, that I don’t want to be here, that I don’t want to be ANYWHERE. Are they screaming too? Is there anyone looking at me that can see what’s happening to me? Can they see me breaking apart?

Sometimes I wish that instead of the fake conversations and trying to appear relaxed, I’ll scream out loud. I will scream as loud as I do in my head and I will see their panicked faces and feel relieved that for once, someone in front of me feels a stab of the fear I feel every moment of every day. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’m a nice person but hey, I guess we all go a little mad sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “i can’t, i’m coming down with something

  1. I guess it’s simultaneously a terrifying and awesome thing to experience, that you can go about having normal interactions with others when inside your head there’s an entire tumult you’re trying to ride out. Terrifying, because how oblivious these other people are of the immensity of emotion you’re going through. And yet awesome, too, because how great your self-control and ability is to keep those emotions staying under wraps within you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I really think those dealing with mental health concerns aren’t being given enough credit for the strength with which they withstand their struggles. Hang in there; every day you win against the screaming in your head is every day you should be proud of yourself. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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